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- Articles / Correspondence -

- Last update: 2nd Sep 2007 -

Dear Sir/Madam

Satan is my master. He speaks to me. Tells me what to do. He tells me to slay the innocent. I am powerless to stop myself. I've killed many already and will only kill again. you can imagine this means I can never lead a normal life, or take a normal job or part in society.

To this end I write to you. Is it possible that the government will give me some money to support myself? Technically I am disabled.

Angbad Thy Destroyer
(Percy Cox)

Incapacity Benefits
Deparment of Health and Social Services
Buckfast House

Dear Sir.

We are very glad to inform you that under the terms of the New Deal for the Deranged you can apply for decapacity benefit. If you would like to call into your local benefits agency with some photographic ID and one of your victims heads in a sack as proof of your disability we will be happy to help you complete your claim application.

Audrey Bennet

Timmy O'Cripple
The Sisters of Mercy Orphanage
Husseytown
Eldritchire

27th March 2006

Superman c/o Daily Planet
Metropolis

Deer superman

did you herd that here in engaland that sum bad men seld bloo peter bajes on ebay. kin you please find these bad peeple and kil them for me plees?

yoor frend,
little timmy

Clark Kent
Daily Planet
George D. Bush Boulevard
Metropolis

29th March 2006

Timmy O'Cripple
The Sisters of Mercy Orphanage
Husseytown
Eldritchire

Dear Timmy.

Thank you for your letter. Superman was very happy to get it even though I'm afraid he is unable to reply to letters personally.

Superman is a man of peace and is not normally in the habit of killing people. Even bad people. Usually he would never dream of using terminal violence upon criminals, even english ones. However in this very exceptional case he feels that the situation warrants extreme measures.

So just this once Superman plans to hunt down the individuals responsble for this outrage and tear their heads off with his bare hands. Then he will personally shit down their necks with such super kryptonian force that it will blow their bottoms off and embed them ten meters below the ground.

I hope this response is to your satisfaction Timmy.

Yours (on Supermans behalf),
Clark Kent

PS. I enclose a signed photograph of Superman and myself on a log flume. As you can see we aren't the same person. It's not photoshopped or anything, Superman just wanted to wear my mothers dress that day for some reason.

PPS. You didn't put a stamp on your letter. You owe me 50¢ for the postage and $47.50 for the customs duties. I expect to be rembursed by return post or I will be forced to take legal action against you and/or your guardians to recover this debt. I should remind you that I know superman and if you mess with me you mess with him. Last thing I want to have to do is to send Superman over there to punch your stupid little english orphan face to mush.

Let's just call it an even $50 for cash and keep the thieving lawyers out of it eh?

Metropolis PD
127 Rumsfeld Street
Metropolis

2nd April 2006

Clark Kent
Daily Planet
George D. Bush Boulevard
Metropolis

Dear Mr Kent

We have recently received a disturbing report from a young boy in England called Timmy. In the letter that was forwarded to us you clearly wrote "Yours" which, under new laws passed through congress to protect foreign children from literal sexual predators, is now considered a sexual act. We in the MPDCPD take a very dim view on tabloid journalists who offer themselves to children, even foreign ones, in such a manner. This sort of thing might go on all the time in france and places but in the United States it will not be tolerated, and for the safety of all American children we have no alternative but to put you on the sex offenders register. You cannot have any dealings with children or write to children or even go within 500 feet of a child. This means if you are on a small ferry and a child boards then you'll have to jump off into the water and drown or risk being arrested and put in danger of anal rape at taxpayers expense.

We would also like you to tell your friend Superman to stop touching children. A young girl fell out of a skyscraper window in downtown Metropolis last week and he touched her while he was rescuing her. This is 18th reported case of Superman touching children this year. It's despicable behaviour and doesn't set a good example for alien visitors to our planet. Please tell him to stop touching children forthwith.

We don't want another messy Santa Claus incident on our hands.

Yours platonically with no touching,
Lt. Connor O'Connor MPDCPD
(Metropolis PD Child Protection Department)

PRævit Abrupt
The twits
Chipping Teeth
Ratsbridge
Aplace

October 16, 2003

Girls Aloud
P.O. box 456
London
NW1 8PZ

Dear plump blond one

I regret I am not able to check the literature for your correct name but I hope I have the right person. I know many people who are great fans of yours and have all your albums and I though I'd write and request a signed photograph of you for my website. I'm afraid I'm not /aux faix/ with your particular brand of music but I though I could sell it for money.

Yours Hopefully,
PRæt

Paddy Andook
Old Clammy (#45)
Cliffview Road
Hillborough
Norn Iron

Wee Jiffy Dandyson
Comfy Trouser
Hillsborough
Norn Iron

11 Dec 2003

Dear Short Poncy twat

You are a moaning, bitching little hatemonger.... why don't you fuck off and join the DUP?

Yours sincerely,
PRæt

Paddy Andook
Old Clammy (#45)
Cliffview Road
Hillborough
Norn Iron

Wee Jiffy Dandyson
Comfy Trouser
Hillsborough
Norn Iron

9 Jan 2004

Dear Short Poncy twat

You know I was only joking?

Yours sincerely,
PRæt

Patsy Arkwright
Room 4
The Brokersfield Inn
Twinsditch

Monday 16 February 2004

Fred Savage
Killian D. Miller Reprisents
457 Parkway Ave
Little Cedar
L.A.
California

Dear Fred,

Recently I have been thinking that you would look good with a goatee. It would help make you look older and leave behind the childhood I'm sure you are so desparate to get away from, plus it would probably assist you in your conquest of the opposite sex. Also I think it would be REALLY great if you could have a photo taken of yourself when you have grown this goatee and upload it to the Internet Movie Data Base as it would help me win a bet.

Yours Intimately, PRæt

Patsy Arkwright
Room 4
The Brokersfield Inn
Twinsditch

Monday 16 February 2004

Marilyn Manson
Killian D. Miller Reprisents
457 Parkway Ave
Little Cedar
L.A.
California

Dear Brian,

There have been, as I am sure you are aware, many rumours circling that you used to be the geeky jewish kid in the 80's tv show 'The Wonder Years'. I'm am aware that these rumours have been proven to be untrue and unfounded, but don't you think it would have been really cool if it had been you?

Yours philosophically,
PRæt