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Apple, Schmapple...
There is always the fear that this will become yet another one of those blogs that just links to other blogs. If so I'll at least try to make it interesting by making comments or taking my own spin on whatever I'm linking to. Anyway, I'll begin with this:
http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/schmapple/mysteron.html - The Apple Mysterion from the Schmapple Store. A great little device that is, rather sadly, fictional. Merely created, like everything else on the Schmapple Store, for satirical effect. Though this is where I personally see technology heading; Simplistic things that don't really require any human interaction, or even understanding, at all. They just sit there looking pretty and doing something vague that somehow improves our lives... according to the laminated two page manual.
I don't like this of course, because I'm a bit of a geek and like lots of buttons and functions and things I can explore, but anyway, back to the Apple Mysterion (see I'm trying to avoid this stream-of-consciousness thing. It's getting old. Notice how Eddie Izzard isn't funny anymore? Hmmm.)
What this really needs is the single LED on the front to be linked to peoples moods, at least the moods of those around it. Within a certain radius. When these people are happy it's a bright blue. When they are subdued, sleeping or out¹... various dull greens. Then when people are having a blazing violent row it will be bright red and flashing, which will be the technology equivalent of a child sitting rocking and sobbing and covering it's ears in the broom closet, so someone can stop and go "Look what you've done! You've upset the thing! Are you happy now?!". And they'll rally together and try to sooth and placate the Apple Mysterion (maybe play games with it by linking it up to their McMini, via a cunningly hidden USB port) and in turn find themselves putting aside their differences, al thanks to the mystical Steve Jobs and his team of hardware wizards. They'll be deserving of all your money, sure it only brings you misery anyway.
Maybe this is what we need? What mankind needs... a thing that brings us together through a kind of confused guilt. We've broke our own children, they're all playing GTA4 and giving blow jobs to each other in the back of the school bus. Maybe this could be a replacement? An USB box of innocence?
Sometimes satire brings us the most serious notions...
¹ Of course you don't switch it off when you are out, it needs to do updates and... stuff. You don't need to worry about it being on stand-by all the time. It's obviously good for the environment anyway, I mean... it's made by Apple for christs sake.
Labels: Apple, linkage, satire
Written by PRAEst76 on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 
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Special Offer
Press Release Relief
The Officially Unnofficial THROBBING GRISTLE DVD
(recording session paperdoll stick puppet recreation)
Following serious email interest from a couple of people since my post on the grief list on the subject I should elaborate on my TGDVD recording session stick-puppet theatre video offer:
This video will feature the FULL TGDVD session as it appears on the bootleg mp3s I downloaded and the full concert film played out imaginitively by myself using handmade paper-dollies of the band mounted on lolly-pop sticks, augmented by choice FX from some old BBC Radiophonic Workshop LPs. This will be filmed in traditional SVHS handicam format lovingly distorted by bad focus and over-caffinated operation. The video itself will come specially wrapped in black dyed surgical stocking with the TG logo hand-drawn on it in red crayon, this will be contained in an old seventies style ladies shopping bag bought in the local branch of WarOnWant (the style of the individual bags may differ according to supply) along with a certificate of ownership and five glossy printed cards showing screenshots of random websites about riverside wildlife. Each package will be individually numbered from 1 to... whatever number it goes up to.
Each set will be hand-crafted to order and may contain individual quirks that will add unique charm to this special piece of historical importance.
I'm offering this video free of charge to all of those who wanted to see TG over the past year but couldn't because they wanted to wait to see if anyone else they knew was going or for their tax rebate to come through. There will be a modest administration/handling charge of £400 payable in used notes in a brown paper bag left in the back-seat of an abandoned Ford Fiesta beside the line coming into Norwich train station. Please remember to leave your address and phone number along with the names of your children and what school they go to.
This is a once in a lifetime offer (unless it comes up again later).
Look out for my forthcoming Genesis P-Orridge paperdoll. Recreate Genesis P-Orridge in the comfort of your own home (or somebody elses). The first in my Put Some Bloody Clothes On! series of paperdolls for shameless exhibitionists with poor taste.
This notice is intended for satirical purposes only and is not to be taken anyway other than lightly.
Labels: music biz, rants, satire