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- Articles / FAQ (version: 0.558c) -

q. Why do I have an application called ipodservice.exe ram running on startup that takes up 4meg ram when I don't have an iPod?

a. Because Apple are lazy inconsiderate bums, that's why and you should really be using Quicktime Alternative instead of that bloated crap that Apple pass off as Quicktime + iTunes + Bumpf these days. You do realise that they package up iTunes with it to encourage people to buy an iPod and that once they get everyone in the world to own an iPod that is when they'll flick the big switch that turns on the hidden mind-control functions that will force you all to fight in intergalactic tournaments for the amusement of Steve Jobs?

q. What ever happened to Rob Newman? He was the funniest one of that Mary Whitehouse Experience bunch and yet he's the one you never seem to see on the TV or radio or whatever anymore. It's a modern tragedy of sorts?

a. No. He just went a bit underground. He still does tours and talks and releases the odd CD or DVD, but he does a lot of agitprop stuff that's considered a bit too touchy and atagonistic for the mainstream. Recenlty he's been seen doing tours with Mark Thomas. there have been mixed reports with some folks claiming he's even more of a comedy genius now and others claiming that his "comedy" is embarrasingly bad.

Since he's never played anywhere local and I've not been brave/flush enough to buy his CDs myself I couldn't possibly comment. Allegedly he still does Jarvis.

q. Can I still get the AIDS from listening to Frankie goes to Hollywood?

a. Yes, but only if you listen to Frankie in stereo. Mono playback compresses the AIDS and prevents infection, while playing Frankie in 3.1 or higher filters out the AIDS harmlessly. You can also still contract the AIDS from most 1980s audio cassettes. Yet more reasons to upgrade that soundsystem, consumer!

q. Could you open this jar for me?

a. I can try. Send the jar via a registered courier to:

Knocknagoney Professional Receptacle Access Solutions plc.
Knocknagoney Business Park,

...along with your name and contact details and someone will get back to you with a cost assessment.

q. Peter, I'm cold...

a. Coldness can be allieviated in many ways. Often putting on more clothing is the simplest way. Building heating can also usually be increased to provide additional warmth. Possibly by turning up the knob on the thermostat (ask an appropriate adult like a janitor or teacher, sensible looking employer or passing policeman where the thermostat and heating controls for the room and/or building can be located.), putting another log or more coals on the fire or paying neglected heating bills and politely asking them to put the heating back on. Other than this the consumation of warm food or drink or the rubbing of Deep Heat or wintergreen on cold bodyparts can help to give shot term relief from nippiness.

Personality coldness often requires therapy or seasonal ghostly visitation and cannot usually be alleviated through the same means for treating physical coldness. Exposure to excrutiatingly cute yet mischievious children in the elderly and/or curmudgeonly has also been known to alleviate cold personalities in some cases, unfortunately this is usually only short term relief due to the common occurence of death in the elderly.

q. You used to work for the Royal Mail; Why is it the post is so late these days. In my dads day the post was round before breakfast and it was the same guy everyone knew and he delivered the mail with a smile on his face and a song in his heart, unlike these ever-changing miserable looking scrags that show up around lunchtime, if you are lucky, these days.

a. Junk mail and mismanagement. Mostly mismanagement. The Royal Mail like many of the worlds defective state mail carriers has been run in the same traditional method almost since it's inception. The world moved on. To cover costs and to avoid raising the price of stamps due to the publics insistance that a postal service is a right from god rather than a valued service they have to deliver massive amounts of junk mail in modern times. This also means that the delivery officer has to go to every house on his run every day to delive stuff that no-one wants rather than, as it was in the olden days, going only to those few houses that got a letter from their Uncle bill or whatever.

The reason they are always different/useless/miserable is because the postal services are having problems finding the staff from the masses since in these modern times no-one ever aspires to be a postman since all anyone aspires to be these days career wise is a 'Pop-star' or 'Actor' or 'model' or 'Professional Football Player' or some other media revered occupation that people feel is the only way thjey can have any real happiness. When these folks realise that their dream is never going to come to fruition because they are ugly talentless morons they often opt for a job in the local mail delivery office due to inadaquate qualifications in any other field (because they had no other goals other than being a star at school) and generally face it with an attitude of bitterness and melancholy. Usually, due to public hostility towards postmen for mail not being delivered in the same manner as it was in the 1950s and because people are normally groutchy in the morning, these employees don't last long before they either snap and become institutionalised or of criminal intent or just opt for the easier choice of long-term unemployment. There is also a policy in the Mail carriers that is possibly due to EU human rights directives coupled with generic semi-plausible pscyhological theorising that claims it's bad for the same Delivery Officer to do the same route for longer than a few weeks and they change the officers route to avoid any possibility of legal action or union stroppage due to perceived mental stress caused by walking the same route for an extended time.

It should also be mentioned that your father is old and his memory is selective.

q. Why is it that some words have alternative spellings?

a. Because once upon a time some powerful people misspelled a word and no-one dared to correct them and such their spelling of the word became an 'alternative' spelling rather than a 'mistake'.

cf. American english.

by PRAEst76©
- Last update: 2nd Sep 2007 -