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Having conquered the music world and the wearing-BMX-gear-on-stage world (as well as most of Belgium) The Weathermen announced, via their underground network (which is allegedly manned by Genetically Modified™ blind albinos), that they now planned to conquer the condiment world by marketing their own brand of Chutney!™.
They invited us for a tour of their new factory, hidden deep in the desert. A blacked-out van arrived for us outside our offices and a sweet voice beckoned us in. When we approached the drivers side we discovered that the sweet voice belonged to the driver, who was a hideously disfigured dwarf. He made us get in the back and after having the door locked automatically we had an hour long drive into the desert.
We arrived at what appeared to be a deserted military complex and were greeted by one of The Weathermen who wore a large chefs hat and a ski-mask.
We asked why it was necessary for such secrecy. They told us that the product they make has such a secret receipe that they couldn't risk it being discovered by competitors or nosy government agencies. Thus the need for the utmost secrecy.
We were lead inside, past rooms of ingredients, only some of which we were allowed to see. We saw a myriad of different items, ranging from onions and beetroot to rooms full of lego and bits of broken pottery.
Eventually we arrived at a central chamber in the middle of which, in a huge pit in the floor that looked like it was made for smelting metal, was a huge bubbling lake of chutney. Pipes snaked from the shadows of the chambers towards the lake and appeared to be carrying thick molasses and some chemical ingredients. Above the lake was a huge pulsing column, that looked almost organic, almost wormlike... at the bottom of it, suspended above the lake was a sphincter-like orifice that scooped up the chutney and spat it into jars. Somewhere in the darkness we heard maniacal laughter.
The masked Weathermen that met us seemed to smile proudly through his balaclava as he stood before all this and then asked us if we had any questions.
Tentatively we enquired as to when their product was to go on the market. They said it was already in some markets in the developing countries and would slowly begin showing up in the rest of the world via ethnic foodstores before being adopted by larger supermarkets as their staff came under the influence of the superior quality and flavour of The Weathermen's Chutney!™.
We enquired as to whether there would be an advertising campaign to sell the chutney. They said one was already in existence but it was very subtle. They had short ad spots in most countries. Very short. Like a fraction of a second but enough to get the message across subliminally. Demand was growing and there had already been a riot that morning in Cambodia when locals found they could not buy any Weathermen brand Chutney!™. He showed us a chart of predicted riots and another that showed how rioting in the world was effected by chutney demand. He predicted that once all countries bowed to the superior quality of Weathermen Chutney!™ that all rioting in the world would cease. Forever.
A couple of indentical deformed dwarfs wheeled out an old television and video recorder and he preceded to show us a movie of Weathermen Chutney!™ being tested on British Football Hooligans™. After eating half-time pies with Weathermen Chutney!™ the hooligans were placed into a suburb of Paris. Rather than sing offensive racist songs and smash windows and destroy property they appeared happy and contented. Some sat on benches and listened to bird-song and talked to the locals while others went shopping for cheese. One was even seen browsing a local transexual clothing store for a new pair of pumps.
Following this we were invited to try some of the product, we declined citing allergies. Though the Weatherman insisted that the Chutney!™ is non allergenic we still politely refused due to having seen a large worm-like organ vomit the stuff into jars 20 minutes previously. The Weatherman seemed upset by this but merely took his anger out on some dwarves before returning to us smiling.
When we asked about whether their product had been passed for public consumption he responded by laughing and smashing a small glass ball on the ground in front of us. We were enveloped in a powerful knockout gas and when we regained consciousness an hour or so later... we discovered all signs of The Weathermen, and their elaborate chutney factory, had vanished.
shit, PrAest, i asked you to keep it hush hush as long as the complete line of condiments was ready ;)
I can't wait for the pickless and Nutella mayonnaise ... Please hurry - Do you give discount for big orders?